The Parable of the Mustard Seed Read online

  “Huh,” John said. “So God’s going to strike me down too, is he? I’d like to see him bloody try.”

  Caleb froze for a moment and then lifted his head again, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He looked so startled that John fought the crazy urge to laugh. “Y-you?”

  “Yep,” John said. “Me.”

  Caleb’s mouth dropped even farther open, but his tears had stopped.

  John slid a can of Coke across the table to him. “Have a drink, mate, and let us know when you’re okay to keep going.”

  Caleb nodded cautiously, still staring at John like he was seeing something new and astonishing, and then snapped the can open.

  It should have been terrifying, the moment that Caleb stood in the guestroom, wearing nothing but a towel and the moonlight—there was so much that could go wrong. But instead John sat on the bed, in awe of Caleb’s pale beauty, and almost totally overwhelmed at the sheer amount of trust that Caleb was putting in him.

  “Have you thought about how you want to do this?” he asked softly.

  Caleb shivered, and took a step closer. “I want to have sex with you. I want you inside me.”

  Even in the faint moonlight John could see the flush painting Caleb’s pale skin. It started on his chest, and then climbed up his throat to his face. John reached out and touched the dip between his pecs, to feel the heat rising from him.

  “I know…” Caleb swallowed. “I know you said we could do it the other way too, but this is what I want first.”

  “We can do that,” he said. “And you can change your mind at any time, okay?”

  Caleb nodded, his eyes wide.

  “I won’t mind if you do,” John said. “I want this too, but only if we both do.”

  “I want it,” Caleb whispered. His fingers brushed the sort, worn fabric of John’s T-shirt. “Will you take this off?”

  John tugged the shirt over his head.

  Caleb exhaled, and ran his fingertips along John’s abdomen. It wasn’t as defined as John would have liked—shift work and fast food took care of that—but he was still in pretty good shape. Caleb’s touch certainly seemed appreciative as his fingers swept over John’s skin, tickling John’s scant treasure trail.

  “You’re so big,” Caleb murmured. “You’re the first big guy who ever made me feel safe. Will you touch me?”

  John nodded, his mouth suddenly dry. He lifted a hand and placed it against Caleb’s left pec. Felt his heart thumping wildly underneath his palm. He shifted his hand a little, and swiped his thumb over Caleb’s pink nipple. Pink and pretty, though John would never say it aloud. He had a sudden flash of memory to swimming classes in primary school, and his utter befuddlement at discovering that white boys had pink nipples. He could still remember comparing his brown nipples with Liam Henning’s pink ones until Mrs. Lennox had put a stop to it and given them both a stern talking to about what was and wasn’t acceptable behaviour. John’s interest had been a lot more innocent those days than it was now. Now, as he rubbed the pad of his thumb over Caleb’s nipple, he felt a rush of desire when Caleb made a small needy sound and shivered under his touch.

  “I have, um…” Caleb sucked in a sharp breath as John pinched his nipple gently. “I have condoms and lube.” He pulled back, not meeting John’s gaze. “I’ll get them.”

  He hurried out of the room, and John wasn’t sure he’d come back. He wondered how long he should wait before he went after him and assured him it was okay if he’d changed his mind.

  He remembered how Darren had come to him a few years ago, when Caleb had come out, seeking advice on what sort of condoms and lube he should get for him. Darren had been hideously embarrassed over that conversation, but John had thought it showed the measure of the man: Caleb’s safety was his first priority, each and every time. Thinking of how Darren had stumbled over his words asking John how to approach the talk about the mechanics of gay sex so he could have that conversation with Caleb, John felt a wave of guilt at keeping this a secret from him. At doing this behind his back. But Caleb was also right, wasn’t he? Didn’t he deserve to figure this out for himself? Didn’t he deserve to enjoy sex without having to discuss it with his father first?

  Then again, hadn’t Caleb also just fled from the room like his arse was on fire?

  Jesus. What a fucking mess.

  John groaned and stooped to pick up his T-shirt.

  “John?” Caleb was standing in the doorway gain, condoms and lube clutched in his hands.

  John let his T-shirt drop again. He sat on the edge of the bed, and patted the mattress beside him. “Come here, Caleb.”

  Caleb crossed the floor and sat beside him. Foil crinkled as he set the condoms and lube on the bed.

  “Have you ever used this stuff?” John asked him.

  Caleb shook his head, his cheeks bright pink. “Um, the times I’ve got close to doing it, the other guy took care of it.”

  “Okay,” John said, keeping his tone even and hiding the sudden burst of fear inside him at how Caleb could have so easily been hurt. “Well, tonight I’ll show you how to use these, okay?”

  Caleb nodded, pressing his mouth into an anxious thin line.

  “It’s gonna be awkward as fuck,” John said. “But we’re going to do it.”

  “Okay,” Caleb said faintly.

  “If you want me inside you, that means we have to take our time with the lube,” John said. “It’ll hurt if you’re not ready.”

  Caleb swallowed and nodded again. “I—I know this already.”

  “Yeah, I know you do,” John said. “But I need to know we’re on the same page the whole way, okay?”

  “We’re a team,” Caleb said with a shaky smile.

  “Yeah.” John leaned in and kissed him softly. “We’re a team.”

  He remembered his own excruciating embarrassment the first few times he’d done this, or, worse, the times he hadn’t been embarrassed because he’d been stumbling drunk instead. Back when he’d been younger, somehow that had seemed a better alternative than embarrassment. He hadn’t been with anyone he trusted back then. Most of the time he hadn’t been with anyone he’d known. Hook ups and one-night stands. They were a passage of youth, he guessed, but Caleb needed something else. Caleb needed someone he trusted, someone he loved, and John would rather die than screw this up. He wanted Caleb—he was so hard he ached—but more than anything he wanted Caleb to be safe, to be happy, and he wanted himself to be worthy of Caleb’s trust and his love.

  “So what we’re going to do,” John said, “is just lie here and kiss for a while, okay? And I’ll get you ready by fingering you—yeah, don’t make that face, there’s really no nice way to say it—and then, if you like it and you want more, I’ll penetrate you, and—”

  Caleb let out a sudden burst of nervous laughter.

  “I know! But there’s no nice way to say that either,” John said, shaking his head and smiling. “It’s either I sound like a creepy doctor, or a cheap porno. There’s no middle ground here, mate.”

  “This is why not talking about it is a better option!” Caleb’s smile faded slowly. “I mean, for most people, I guess.”

  “Awkward conversations are a part of sex for everyone,” John said. “Or they should be. I mean that.”

  “I know.” Caleb’s laughter seemed to have loosened the tension in him. “It’s just weird.”

  “Well, the payoff will be worth it,” John said. He leaned in to steal another quick kiss, and relished the small moan of disappointment when he drew back. “Anyway, either I penetrate you, or we find another way to finish up. Because I gotta tell you, I am dying to suck you off, Caleb.”

  Caleb’s face turned red again, and his breath caught. “You are?”

  “Yeah.” John rewarded him with a longer kiss this time, sliding his tongue into his mouth briefly and feeling Caleb shudder against him. “There are no consolation prizes here. Whatever happens, it’s going to feel good, and we’re both going to enjoy it, okay?”

&nb
sp; “Yeah.” Caleb exhaled the word on a breath. “So we’re going to lie down now?”

  John nodded, and stood and unbuttoned the fly on his jeans. He unzipped, and pushed his jeans down. Kept his boxer briefs on for now, even though they weren’t doing anything to hide his erection at all. Caleb’s gaze was drawn to it. For a moment John thought that he’d back out, but then Caleb stood as well, and tugged his towel open and let it drop to the floor.

  Jesus.

  He was beautiful. Lean and pale, with a gorgeous dick rising from a thatch of dark curls. His dick was slim, but it was long and the curve of it promised great things. John’s arse clenched just thinking of getting it inside him one day.

  “How do you want me?” Caleb asked.

  “On your back for now,” John said, his voice rasping. His cock twitched as Caleb obeyed, and he fought the urge to surge forward and claim Caleb in a kiss immediately. He couldn’t go too quickly. He couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. He picked up Caleb’s towel and tossed it onto the bed. “Spread this out under you, hey?”

  Caleb opened his mouth, and then John saw the lightbulb moment. He flushed again, and nodded, and flashed John his beautiful arse as he grabbed the towel and got up onto his knees to spread it out. Then he settled onto his back, looking achingly vulnerable. His eyes were as wide as saucers.

  John climbed onto the bed beside him, and stretched out on his side. Caleb turned toward him, seeking to hide his nakedness in closeness, and John raised himself on an elbow and leaned down to kiss him.

  Long, slow kisses that Caleb melted into, as John ran a hand up and down the side of his chest. It felt a little like gentling a panicked animal. Getting him used to touch until he wasn’t just submitting to it, he was arching into it. John did his best to ignore his throbbing dick and concentrated on building Caleb’s pleasure instead. He lost himself in the sensation of touching Caleb, of kissing him until he moaned, and of being touched and kissed in return. Caleb’s dick painted damp streaks over John’s hip as he leaned over him.

  Minutes passed, and they might have been hours.

  John reached back for the lube at last, licking a stripe up Caleb’s jaw to distract him from the sound of opening it. Caleb squirmed.

  “What happens if I come too soon?” he whispered urgently.

  “Then we either stop there,” John said, “or we see if you can come twice.”

  Caleb moaned and shuddered. “John! Don’t say things like that! You’ll make it happen!”

  John laughed, and nipped him on the jaw. “Oh, how awful that would be.”

  Caleb laughed too, and then moaned again as John’s hand rubbed his hipbone.

  “On you back again, manamea,” John said, and Caleb’s eyes widened at the endearment. John knew he didn’t know the word, but there was no mistaking the tone. “And pull your left knee up for me, okay?”

  “Okay.” Caleb shivered as he obeyed.

  “That’s it,” John said, and kissed him again. He shifted back briefly to squirt a glob of lube on the fingertips of his right hand, and settled back beside Caleb again. This time he put his hand on Caleb’s exposed inner thigh, and followed the path of that trembling flesh to Caleb’s core. He rubbed his index finger along Caleb’s taint, swallowing Caleb’s gasp of surprise, and then pressed it gently against his puckered hole.

  Slowly. Slowly.

  John applied slight pressure, and Caleb opened underneath him. John slipped his finger carefully inside.

  Caleb winced, and John stilled.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  “No.” Caleb wrinkled his nose. “It’s just weird. Kiss me, please?”

  John obliged, capturing Caleb’s bottom lip between his own and sucking on it hard for a moment. Caleb’s eyes widened, and then John released his lip and kissed him properly, pushing his tongue into his mouth and then withdrawing it, delighted when Caleb grew more assertive and followed John’s tongue with his own. Caleb was clearly an unpractised kisser, but he was a quick learner.

  John withdrew his finger from Caleb’s arse, and then pressed back in with two. Caleb squirmed awkwardly.

  “Tell me if it’s too much.”

  “Just weird,” Caleb whispered, a crease appearing on his forehead. “Feels really…oh!”

  John rubbed the little bump of Caleb’s prostate again, and Caleb made a startled, strangled sound. John grinned. “You like that?”

  “John!” A shiver ran through Caleb’s body, and he moved a hand down to his dick. “That doesn’t feel how I thought it would! It’s like…oh, wow.” He bit his lip, his eyes closing. “Do it again, please.”

  Caleb’s spine arched like a bow, his body tightening around John’s finger. A pearl of pre-cum glistened from the slit in his dick and then slid slowly down his shaft. John’s mouth watered as he watched it, and his dick was so hard it was almost painful, his balls starting to ache as well. He pushed all of that aside for Caleb, and it was no real hardship. His desire to make Caleb feel good overrode his own desire to come, because that would happen whether Caleb was involved or not. There was nothing stopping John from rubbing one out in the bathroom before bed. What mattered here, in this room and in this moment, was Caleb.

  John lost all track of time, his focus narrowed down to Caleb and the way he reacted to every touch, every press of John’s finger inside him. At some point John worked up to two fingers, and began to scissor them gently, stretching Caleb, readying him for more, and Caleb gasped and moaned into every new sensation. John wanted Caleb to want this. More than that, he needed Caleb to be able to experience this with no thoughts of God and sin and hellfire. No thoughts of punishment.

  “I love you,” he whispered, stealing another kiss.

  Caleb panted into his mouth, and echoed the words back to him. And then: “John? More, please. I want more.”

  “Ioe, lo’u tuinanau,” John whispered, heat rising in him.

  “What does that mean?” Caleb asked, eyes wide.

  “It means you’re the one that I desire,” John said. “Lo’u tuinanau. Roll over for me?”

  Caleb’s flushed chest rose and fell, and he dragged John down for another kiss before rolling over and getting his knees up under him. John worried that this moment might be too fraught for him—a loss of eye contact combined with a position that meant only one thing—and he laid a path of kisses down the knots of Caleb’s spine to comfort him.

  “Say it again,” Caleb murmured.

  “Lo’u tuinanau, my desire,” John murmured, tasting the salt on Caleb’s skin. “La’u manamea. My sweetheart.”

  Caleb shivered under the words and the kisses.

  John moved and positioned himself behind Caleb, fumbling with the condom packet and almost putting his finger through the thin latex in his haste to roll it on his dick.

  “I love you,” he said.

  “Tell me in Samoan,” Caleb whispered, his spine twisting as he turned to look back.

  “Ou te alofa ia te oe.”

  Caleb repeated it back to him, butchering the pronunciation, but John’s heart swelled.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, and Caleb nodded. “It’s going to feel strange at first, and if it hurts we’ll stop.”

  “I want you,” Caleb said. “Please, John.”

  His heart thumping, John gripped his dick and pressed the head against Caleb’s hole. Everything was slippery with lube. John paused for a moment, dizzy with the realisation of what they were about to do, and then pushed slowly inside.

  God.

  The heat. The heat and the tightness was incredible, like nothing John had ever felt before. And he knew that wasn’t true. He knew it wasn’t, but this was Caleb. This was Caleb, and everything was new. The entire universe was born right now in this exact moment, and John’s eyes stung with sudden tears. He wanted nothing more than to bury himself in Caleb in one long, smooth thrust, but he held back, the head of his dick barely breaching him, and rubbed a hand down Caleb’s spine.

  “Push out,” he said. “Try
not to tighten up.”

  The advice was counter-intuitive, he knew, but Caleb nodded, and suddenly John was able to slide a few inches deeper inside him. Caleb cried out, the sound ragged, and John froze.

  “No,” Caleb gasped. “Keep going, please.”

  It took a little while, John’s fear battling with his desire every second of the way, but soon he was fully inside Caleb’s trembling body, leaning over him to kiss his shoulders and murmur endearments against his pale skin. Caleb’s breath came in short pants, and he clutched the sheet convulsively, fist opening and closing, his fingers leaving furrows in the fabric. He moaned, and the sound was strained.

  “Are you okay?”

  Caleb’s voice hitched. “I…I don’t know. Do something, please.”

  John straightened up again, and slid a hand underneath him to find Caleb’s dick. It was only half-hard now, the shock of penetration having killed his arousal, but John curled his fingers around that warm flesh and coaxed it back into a full erection, and Caleb groaned and began to roll his hips underneath him. It took a few moments, but John was almost overcome with relief when Caleb’s moans hit a different pitch: one of arousal. Caleb had been close to the edge the whole time when John had been fingering him, and his pleasure built quickly to that point again. A few more strokes and a twist of John’s wrist and Caleb was crying out and coming, his body shaking and tightening around John’s dick and pulling him over the edge as well. There was no time to establish a rhythm or to guide Caleb into practiced movements. It was fast and messy and clumsy, and when Caleb collapsed onto the bed, his body twitching, John followed him down and pressed soft kisses to the sweaty nape of his neck. John felt lazy and sated and warm and he withdrew carefully, rolling off Caleb and pulled him into an embrace.

  “Hey, John?” Caleb asked quietly after a moment.

  John pressed his hand to Caleb’s chest to feel his racing heart. “Mmm?”

  “You remember how you said some guys don’t like that?” Caleb’s quiet laugh was a puff of warm breath against John’s damp skin. “Turns out I’m not in that club.”