The Parable of the Mustard Seed Page 19

  Caleb’s smile returned, a little shakier this time, but he sat down again.

  John sat beside him, and Darren took a seat opposite.

  They began to eat.

  “So,” Darren said gruffly, “When did it start?”

  An impossible question, John thought. He’d loved Caleb from the start. He couldn’t even remember now when those feelings had shifted into wanting Caleb. Two years ago, maybe. Possibly three. There had been no dramatic revelation, no road to Damascus moment for John. Everything had seemed like the natural progression of what had come before.

  Caleb was specific. “A few weeks ago, the night after we had the barbecue at the beach with John’s family.”

  Darren’s brow creased. “You told me you were going to a movie with a guy from work.”

  Caleb chewed his lip for a moment. “I lied, Dad.”

  Darren sighed. “Caleb, you know we’re not supposed to have lies between us.”

  “Yeah, well I didn’t want to tell you I was trying to seduce John!” Caleb’s voice rose, and John reached out and took his hand to settle him. Caleb drew a deep breath. “I know what happens when I lie, okay? I know how keeping stuff in is bad for me, and I spiral, but it’s not like you would have let me go if I’d told you the truth. And I wanted John more than I’ve ever wanted anyone. I love him, Dad.”

  “I know.” Darren cleared his throat. “I worry, Caleb, okay? I worry about what can go wrong here.”

  John’s gut twisted.

  “Me too,” Caleb whispered. “But, Dad, I want to be your son for once, you know? Not just…not just another one of your project risk assessments.”

  Darren swiped at his eyes, and nodded.

  Caleb’s chair creaked as he rose, and he tugged his hand free from John’s. He rounded the table, and then went to his knees beside Darren’s chair. John’s eyes stung as he watched them embrace, Darren leaning into Caleb’s hug and holding him tightly.

  He thought of Analise Fletcher and her vague, detached smiles, and hated her again for what she’d done. For taking Caleb away to begin with, and for leaving him with so much damage that every day threatened to fracture under the weight of it, for both father and son.

  “Okay,” Darren murmured at last. “Okay, Caleb.”

  Caleb rose and returned to his seat. He ate his sushi one-handed. His other hand reached for John’s, and John held it. A heady rush of emotion almost threatened to overcome him at how right this felt, and at Darren’s grudging acceptance. Grudging for now, but John thought that he’d come around. He had to, once he saw how happy Caleb was with this, and once he realised that John would never do a thing to threaten that happiness. Nothing but time would change Darren’s feelings on the matter, but that was okay, because he’d given them time.

  “How’s work going?” Darren asked.

  “I can’t talk too much about it,” John said. “We’re still waiting on forensic results.” He looked worriedly at Caleb, and Caleb squeezed his hand reassuringly. “You know how I always said we needed a body? Well, now we need a way to link that body to the cult before we can start making arrests. We’re hoping his DNA will match someone’s from the group. That’ll give us enough to move forward, but it takes a little while.”

  Darren’s brow creased. “Does it always take this long?”

  “Yeah, unfortunately.” John shrugged. “It’s been less than a week, so that’s par for the course. For cases with a lower priority it can take months to get anything back.”

  “Why?” Darren asked.

  “Staffing levels, shitty budgets, the same as anything with the government.” John saw that Caleb’s face was pale. “Sorry. We can talk about something else.”

  Caleb shook his head. “No. No, I’m okay.”

  He wasn’t, but John didn’t push. He changed the subject instead.

  “What about your job?” he asked Darren. “How’s everything going there?”

  “Same old shit,” Daren said. “Sub-contractors who don’t turn up when they say they will, the council coming up with more and more hoops I have to jump through to get approval, and last week I sacked a bloke who turned up for work when he was clearly off his face on something and now he’s threatening to get all his bikie mates to bash me.” He snorted. “He’s all talk. He’d piss himself if he ever met a bikie.”

  “You should report it just in case,” John said.

  “Nah, he’s all hot air.” Darren waved the suggestion away. “Besides, if anyone turns up, the rest of the blokes on my crew will tell them where to shove it. I’ve got a good crew.” He dripped his roll in soy sauce. “Speaking of work, though—Caleb, Frank says you can go back whenever you’re feeling up to it.”

  Caleb shrank a little in his seat. “Is he sure?”

  “Of course he is. And I think it’s good for you to get out of the house sometimes. I know it’s not exactly an exciting job, but…” Darren shrugged. “It’s good for you.”

  “Maybe if I can work there for a while, then I can think about going to TAFE or something,” Caleb said softly. He didn’t meet Darren’s gaze. “I mean, maybe. I know stuff like this hasn’t really worked out for me before.”

  “We can look into TAFE,” Darren said. “And it doesn’t matter if something hasn’t worked before. That doesn’t mean you have to stop trying. Not if it’s something you want to do.”

  Caleb lifted his gaze at that. “Like being in a relationship?”

  For a moment Darren stared at him blankly, and then he shook his head. “Shit. I walked into that one, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah, you did.” Caleb flashed Darren a quick smile, and squeezed John’s hand. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier, Dad.”

  Darren sighed. “I know, Caleb. And honestly, my reaction wouldn’t have been any different if you told me from the beginning. So just let me deal with that, okay? You worry about you, not about me.”

  Caleb nodded.

  A rocky road ahead was better than a door slammed in his face, and John figured it was probably more than he deserved at this point. He and Darren had a long history, and they’d work it out in the end.

  “What do you want to study at TAFE?” he asked, to change to subject again.

  “Maybe animal welfare?” Caleb shrugged again, and bit his lip. “The shelter that we got Cricket from? I can volunteer there if I get the right certificates. They sometimes have paid positions come up too, but there’s no guarantee of that.”

  John looked at Darren.

  “You don’t need paid work,” Darren said, shaking his head. “I’ve got us covered.”

  Of course he did. Fletcher Construction was a multi-million dollar business. Hell, this house was worth more than anything John would ever be able to afford. Caleb didn’t need to work for money, but Darren was right: work gave him something to do, something to focus on outside his own head. A volunteer position with animals, as long as his employers were understanding of his limitations and made the appropriate accommodations, might be perfect for him.

  “I think it’s a good idea,” John said. “You’re doing great with Cricket.”

  Caleb grinned and looked over to the corner of the veranda, where Cricket was chewing a knot of rope happily. “We’ve been walking in the mornings, too. She’s getting better at not pulling on her leash.”

  John loved the expression Caleb got on his face when he talked about Cricket. It wasn’t just love, it was pride, and Caleb hadn’t had enough of that in his life. He second-guessed everything he did, even the positives, and self-doubt crowded in at every opportunity and was followed rapidly by self-sabotage. But Cricket was different. She wasn’t a social setting, or education, or a job. She didn’t have any onerous expectations of him. She just wanted to be fed and loved, and she was happy and thriving under Caleb’s care. Caleb had come a long way since he’d first come home and his violent episodes had terrified the German shepherd Darren had owned at the time. It was sometimes too easy to forget how hard Caleb had worked and how much pr
ogress he’d made whenever he stumbled, but that kid eight years ago? That kid could never have been trusted to care for an animal.

  The satisfied curve of Caleb’s smile when he watched Cricket, or spoke about her, warmed John’s heart. Caleb deserved to be proud.

  Caleb tugged his hand free from John’s to twist open a fiddly container of soy sauce. He squirted the sauce into the lid of his open container and dipped his California roll into it. “She still hasn’t got the hang of staying, but we’re working on it.”

  John rubbed his palm on the knee of his jeans, missing Caleb’s touch. “She’ll get there. Kelpies are smart dogs.”

  “Too smart,” Caleb agreed, his eyes shining.

  John glanced at Darren. His expression had taken on that hint of softness it often did when Caleb was happy—thinking that it wouldn’t last, maybe, or of all the years he’d been robbed of moments like these. He’d finished eating and was tapping his fingers on the top of the table in that unconscious way he did when he was about to sneak out to his car for a cigarette. He kept them in the glovebox because he was in the process of quitting. He’d been in the process of quitting for the eight years John had known him.

  Soon enough, within a few minutes Darren got up and walked back inside, all the way through the house and out of the front door.

  The night was dark and cool. Insects buzzed around the lights, pinging against the bulbs. Wings beat somewhere in the darkness as an unseen flying fox headed for the rain tree. A crash of dry leaves announced its arrival. Cricket got up and stretched, and then crossed the length of the veranda, her claws clicking against the wood. She stretched again, and lay down at the top of the stairs. She peered intently into the darkness, her ears pricked.

  Caleb covered a yawn with his hand.

  John checked his watch. It was barely past eight, but Caleb had his routine. And given that he’d spent the last few nights in the hospital, he probably hadn’t been sleeping well. He always complained he didn’t, despite the meds they gave him.

  “Time for your shower, yeah?” John asked.

  Caleb nodded, leaning back in his chair and stretching. “Are you working tomorrow?”

  “Eight until four.”

  “Maybe I can meet you for lunch?” Caleb suggested, half teasing and half shy. He shrugged. “If I go to work.”

  “Probably not tomorrow,” John said. “I think me and Liz might be on the road a bit tomorrow.”

  In the middle of an investigation like this one the chances of getting a scheduled meal break were slim to none. For all he knew they’d be heading out to Toowoomba again. Not that he could tell Caleb that. The next time John mentioned Ethan Gray’s name to Caleb it’d be to tell him he’d arrested the prick.

  A flash of disappointment crossed Caleb’s face.

  “How about we do dinner again?” John asked. “I can come over after work again.”

  “Okay.” Caleb smiled and it morphed into another yawn.

  “Shower,” John reminded him, and Caleb rolled his eyes and headed inside.

  John began to clean up the sushi containers and glasses. He shoved the rubbish into the plastic bag he’d brought the sushi in, and tied a knot in the handles, then tucked the whole thing under his arm as he carried the glasses and the empty Fanta bottle inside.

  Caleb was already in the bathroom, and the shower was running. John put the bag of rubbish in the bin under the kitchen bench, and tossed the plastic bottle in the recycling. When he straightened up again Darren was back inside.

  “It was going to be someone eventually,” Darren said.

  John had hoped they were finished talking about this, but he only nodded instead. John had sure as shit wrangled back and forth with his feelings over his relationship with Caleb so it wasn’t as though he could expect Darren to suddenly just get over it, and they’d pick up their friendship again like nothing had happened. If there was one thing all these years of listening to Caleb talk about his therapy had taught John it was that everyone was entitled to their feelings. Emotions were powerful, and they were valid, even if there wasn’t always a logical basis for them. Caleb had once said he sometimes saw himself as a three-year-old having a tantrum in the shopping centre. The anger and the pain and the frustration were real, even if they came from being denied a bag of lollies. John had thought it was an unfair self-assessment, but then he’d seen Caleb go into meltdown about things that didn’t matter, hadn’t he? And he knew it wasn’t really about those little things at all.

  Just like this moment, for Darren, wasn’t just about Caleb and John getting together, but maybe the culmination of a hundred of Darren’s different fears and insecurities and doubts. And the foremost of them had to be that he was afraid of losing Caleb again, even if it was only losing him to John.

  “So.” Darren’s mouth twisted, and he shrugged. “So I’m glad it’s you, John. It won’t stop me from worrying, and it won’t stop me from being pissed off you kept it a secret, but I’m glad it’s you. I know how much you care for him, and that’s all I can ask for, isn’t it?”

  John nodded, his chest tight. “I’m sorry too, for how it happened. But I’m not sorry it happened.”

  Darren exhaled slowly, and then tilted his head toward the fridge. “Beer?”

  “Better not,” John said. “Early start in the morning.”

  “Coffee then.” Darren crossed over to the machine on the bench.

  “Coffee,” John agreed.

  They fell into silence as they waited for the coffee to brew. It wasn’t their usual companionable silence, but John hoped they’d get back to that soon. He stacked the glasses in the dishwasher, and grabbed the sponge off the sink to go outside and clean the stray bits of rice off the table on the back deck. When he got back inside, Caleb was out of the shower. He was wearing a thin pair rugby-knit shorts, and no shirt. He hadn’t dried his hair properly, and a drop of water slid down his throat and trembled for a moment in the dip of his clavicle before slipping down his chest. John tried his hardest not to notice it.

  Caleb reached for his bottle of pills. He cracked the lid open and upended a single pill into his palm. Showed it to Darren, who got him a glass of water from the sink. Caleb swallowed the pill down, grimacing slightly.

  “I’ll come and turn your light off in ten minutes,” Darren said.

  Caleb nodded, and stepped toward John.

  John’s heart beat faster.

  “Goodnight,” Caleb said, and then, before John could answer, pushed himself up onto his toes and brushed his mouth against John’s in a chaste, perfect kiss. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” John said. “Goodnight.”

  He didn’t dare look at Darren as Caleb trailed toward his bedroom, but he heard Darren’s slow exhalation of breath and decided that it was a small price to pay for a kiss from the man he loved.

  John was tired when he finally made it back to his apartment. This morning’s breakfast bowl was still sitting in the sink, a couple of pieces of cereal caught in the skin of warm milk that had developed on it during the day. John rinsed the bowl out but couldn’t be bothered wash it. He left it to sit in the bottom of the sink to deal with later.

  He plugged his phone in to charge, and then went and showered.

  After his shower he checked his phone to find a text message from David:

  Tee is taking Ma & Jess to get their nails done on Saturday. You up for a day of work at Ma’s? The back gutter of the roof needs repairs.

  John groaned. He wasn’t rostered on for Saturday, but that didn’t mean much. Not in the middle of an investigation like this one. Also, even if he did have the day off, he would have loved to spend it with Caleb. But David was already doing more than his fair share of work at Ma’s house, and the fact he was even asking meant that it was a two man job because otherwise David would have just done it himself and not mentioned it to John.

  Work is crazy lately, so I don’t know if I’ll be free or not. I’ll try to make it.

  He s
hook his head even as he hit Send. It was the truth, but it sounded like a flimsy lie.

  He waited a few minutes for David’s response.

  No worries, bro. There’s a new guy at work who reckons he’ll help out for the cost of a slab if you can’t make it. Let me know.

  If there was any censure on David’s reply, John couldn’t tell. But he doubted it. David was too generous for that.

  John sighed and set his phone down again. Work was always going to get in the way of family. That was just how it was. It sucked, and that was just how it was as well. Maybe it was time to get off shift work for a while, and actually look at some of the vacancies that came up from time to time in HQ. Monday to Friday stuff, and no more bullshit shifts. Or maybe he could stay with CPIU but move into school-based policing. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen those guys in the office after five.

  He couldn’t transfer to a new position right now, though. Not in the middle of this investigation. Any other investigation maybe, but not this one, because John had made a promise to Caleb, and to Simon, to see this one through to the end. And that was what he was going to do.

  John set his alarm for the morning, and headed off to bed.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Naomi was mulish. She scowled and kicked at the legs of her chair. “Do I have to go with them?”

  Brian was always calm and friendly with Naomi. “You do. They’re from the Department of Child Safety, and they’re going to put you with a nice family to live with.”

  “I have a family,” Naomi said. “Ethan is my father!”

  He sure as shit wasn’t, but John kept the scowl off his face when Naomi looked at him.

  “Hmm.” Brian tilted his head. “Are you a bit nervous about going to live with new people?”

  “No!” Her denial was too quick to ring true.

  Brian lowered his voice to a conspiratorial tone. “I hear they have a dog.”

  Naomi’s eyes grew wide.

  “So, I tell you what,” Brian said. “You go and see what they’re like, and if you have any problems, you can call me and I’ll come out there and talk to you, and we’ll see what we can figure out.”